Growing up watching classic films such as Star Wars and Indiana Jones, I used to wonder on certain things, asking myself questions I could not answer. Only Mr Lucas, the beared rancher on Skywalker Ranch can answer, so I put to you all the questions I seek answers to and hopefully, one day, I will get my much needed answers.....
STAR WARS
How does Darth Vader go to the toilet?
(Surely he still has a bladder and a working digestive system, which also begs the question, does he eat? Perhaps he has another way of nourishment, still, he would need to pee surely)
If Chewbacca got ill and say he had the runs, would it not matt in his fur?
(And would Han get out the scissors to help clean up)
Why are banthas hairy when they live in the very hot deserts of Tatooine?
(Bantha are those big hairy creatures the sandpeople use for transport, surely evolution would dictate less hair/fur in a hot environment, and being that it is a vast desert planet with little vegetation how could a large animal survive, i know, its a deep question)
Does Yoda ever get the urge?
(to make mini-yoda's)
Why did Lucas write a scene where a sister kisses her brother?
(This is often overlooked but Luke does get a kiss from Leia, which is strange as they are brother and sister and despite at the time not knowing, Lucas has written a scene of incest for a popular movie with kids, dirty Lucas, wag of my finger to you mate)
How can ewoks, tiny in stature, big in heart, win the day over stormtroopers when they are armed with stones and a few bows and the troopers have laser rifles and AT-ST Walkers (like walking tanks)?
(That's like a group of pygmy tribesmen from the amazon going up against an american platoon of marines and winning the day)
Does Anakin use the force in bed with Padme?
(take that as innuendo if you wish)
Jar Jar Binks? WTF!!
(enough said)
Anakin does not have a father? WTF!!
(again, enough said, but we do find out in episode 3 that Palpatine used the force to help create Anakin, this must be the most stupidest thing I have ever heard, apart from the rubbish Sarah Palin has come out with recently. My god, she scares me. again Lucas you have shown an incredible gift in recent years to wirte absolute crap, I know technically I have answered this question but still, it is quite unbelievably shocking for an answer, someone kick Lucas in the nuts please)
INDIANA JONES
Only one question, inspired by the new South Park episode which I think demonstrated the frustration of all Indy fans everywhere.....Lucas, Why did you f*ck Indy in the ass?
Aliens?? You serious, friggin Aliens??
LOL, I couldn't believe it, after battling Nazi's in the 30's he takes on Russians in the 50's and uncovers alien life.
And surviving a nuclear blast in a lead lined fridge doesn't help either. You do realise Mr Lucas that if there was ever a nuclear attack on America, a load of southern rednecks will be jumping inside their fridges in the hope of survival.
I know, I know, they're just films, but, still, sometimes things go to far, and some questions need answering.
Thursday 23 October 2008
Tuesday 21 October 2008
Harry Nuts
Just one thought for the day, Coconut Monsters.
I know they exist, I saw one. It was a bright summers morning and I was taking my imaginary dog for a walk, when I came across what looked like a hairy brown ball. I thought it was an elephants testacle, but much to my amazement (as if an elephants testacle on a street in England is not amazing also) it was a massive coconut having a chat with a dead mouse. My imaginary dog ran off, such as he does when he comes face to face with talking nuts (you may laugh at the unexpected innuendo), damn you Nigel!!!!
The coconut swirled round and said "hello, how do you do?" in a very posh, queens english accent. I was stumped, nay, shocked, and also slightly aroused. I then proceeded to have a delightful chat with a coconut who grew up in Kensington under the watchful eye of a professor who inadvertantly gave the coconut life when it came into contact with some radioactive goo (taken from the original sample that spawned the teenage mutant ninja turtles and yes they actually did exist, just a massive cover up).
After five minutes I had to depart, I needed to find Nigel. I provided the coconut my best wishes and left. I never asked the coconuts name, I think I will just call him Harry Nuts.
I found Nigel hiding in an imaginary bush in the nearby park, the police soon arrived as apparantly a grown man near a park looking like he is talking to himself nowadays is seen as borderline paedophilia, oh how easily our society is made afraid by mass media.
I know they exist, I saw one. It was a bright summers morning and I was taking my imaginary dog for a walk, when I came across what looked like a hairy brown ball. I thought it was an elephants testacle, but much to my amazement (as if an elephants testacle on a street in England is not amazing also) it was a massive coconut having a chat with a dead mouse. My imaginary dog ran off, such as he does when he comes face to face with talking nuts (you may laugh at the unexpected innuendo), damn you Nigel!!!!
The coconut swirled round and said "hello, how do you do?" in a very posh, queens english accent. I was stumped, nay, shocked, and also slightly aroused. I then proceeded to have a delightful chat with a coconut who grew up in Kensington under the watchful eye of a professor who inadvertantly gave the coconut life when it came into contact with some radioactive goo (taken from the original sample that spawned the teenage mutant ninja turtles and yes they actually did exist, just a massive cover up).
After five minutes I had to depart, I needed to find Nigel. I provided the coconut my best wishes and left. I never asked the coconuts name, I think I will just call him Harry Nuts.
I found Nigel hiding in an imaginary bush in the nearby park, the police soon arrived as apparantly a grown man near a park looking like he is talking to himself nowadays is seen as borderline paedophilia, oh how easily our society is made afraid by mass media.
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